Brace yourself for man tights

Morning all,

I got a record number of complaints about this column. I had expected a few complaints from guys, since they take it on the chin for just over 600 words in this column, but the Afrikaans teachers were way more offended.

So to Afrikaans teachers everywhere, Ek’s jammer mevrou!

Hope you enjoy yesterday’s column:



Do you remember the dead swan Bjork wore to the Oscars in 2001? What about Madonna’s cone boobs from the ’90s? And more recently there was Lady Gaga’s charcuterie dress. Fashion has always had some very odd ideas. Scrunchies, Crocs and Hammer pants spring to mind.

Some of them even manage to do more than one circuit, like high-waisted pants, side ponytails and paisley. Well now you need to brace yourself for the latest mad fashion trend. They don’t call it a craze for nothing. According to news reports, “m e n’s tights” are taking fashion runways in New York by storm. Which means it should be raining man tights here by winter.

I’m giving you plenty of warning so you can prepare yourself. Yes, tights, those things ballerinas and high-school Afrikaans teachers wear, are now all the rage among the who’s who in the New York zoo. Hey if The Biebster, Lenny Krawitz and Russell Brand have all been spotted picking them up at high-end fashion retailers like Barneys and No r d s t r o m and whipping them on with an Ed Hardy Tee, then you know. Think skinny jeans with added skinny. The female version of this trend are known as “jeggings”, which is a cross between jeans and leggings, so that would explain why these men tights are being referred to as “meggings”. Shame, I hope those boys don’t snag them on their vaginas while they’re pulling them on.

I felt I needed to warn you of this trend, in case you see a group of men in meggings coming towards you down the main road and you’re worried that they’re getting ready to rob from the rich to give to the poor. After all, to date that’s just about the only reference we have of men in tights. Seriously, I think we need to keep an eye on trends like this, ladies. While we were off busy running the show and perving Ryan Gosling, the men have slowly but surely been encroaching on our territory.

Take the man-bag as a further example — it seems to have slipped into culture quite seamlessly and with way less mockery than it deserves. Also, until recently, pink was the favourite colour of six-year-old girls everywhere, but now all the hot jocks are wearing it. And what started out as the odd surfer wearing a shark’s tooth necklace, has slowly segued into more ornate wedding bands and what is now a multimillionrand- a-year industry selling menellery ( m e n’s jewellery). Everything from bracelets to elaborate chains, pinkie rings and diamond earrings the size of margarita pizzas.

Also, thanks in part to all the hormones in our food and in another part to all that craft beer, there are far more “moobs” (man boobs) on show than ever before. I love the idea that the feminine lifestyle has become so desirable, but we need to make sure this doesn’t go too far. Even our hobbies are no longer safe, girls. Last year saw record numbers of men liking their way into the world of Pinterest.

For those of you who haven’t become addicted yet, Pinterest is a virtual pinboard for all your inspiration: recipes, décor ideas, fashion and cats. Primarily it’s always been the domain of women or girly men around the world, mainly because of its generous supply of decoupage, pretty sparkly things, and nailpainting ideas. But a ton of men joined up last ye a r. They have tried to butch it up a bit by posting pictures of girls in bikinis, chainsaws, beer, cognac, monster trucks, moustache trends and high-pressure hoses to their profiles, but d o n’t let the masculinity of the content fool you, no matter which way you skin it, at its core it’s still a scrapbook. Hardly the most masculine of pursuits.

Based on these trends, here are my predictions for what else we can expect in the world of mashion (man fashion) this coming year. I foresee the introduction of male polish, manscara, a range of Mantha Stewart books and if things get really extreme, I expect manstruation before the decade is out.

I don’t want to sound old-fashioned or anything, but I kind of preferred it when men were men and Hooters waitresses ran scared.

PS: A couple of people have written in with Mashion ideas to add to the list:

– Brosiery – with a special mention going to Mantyhose.

– There’s also guy liner.

Rock on, girly boys, rock on.

7 responses to “Brace yourself for man tights”

  1. Wesley says:

    oh lord no. not meggings! when will the madness end? i always knew it would come to this. would have been better if the world had just ended.

    • admin says:

      bwahahaha, so you don’t wear guy-liner then?
      what about man-skirts?

      • dave says:

        Thankfully my legs are muscular enough not to be able to wear skinny jeans so this awaited trend will also not be practical :-)………and to all the male fashion models out there who only have six-packs….bet you can’t squat much or do a full rack leg extension now could you…….

        • Paige says:

          @dave – don’t think I can do ‘full rack’ extensions with or without skinny jeans. The rack – it sounds like some kind of torture.

      • Wesley says:

        ive been known to wear guy-liner :/

        • Paige says:

          Aha, all you need now is manscara. Although most guys already have ridiculously long eyelashes naturally.

  2. James says:

    I would never buy meggings when I can get leggings as cheap as $5.00 at any Walmart. Meggings have nothing more to offer then women’s leggings except the high price. I have been wearing leggings since the early 80’s and it has never been a issue until all this concern about men wearing tights.

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