Blackboards in Porn

Firstly a big welcome to my new home. We’ll have a proper roof wetting as soon as I’m properly settled.

I hope you’ll enjoy it here. Here’s Sunday’s column. Rather a day late than not at all, right?

A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON PORNOGRAPHY.

When last did you watch pornography for something other than the sex? Never! What? You don’t know what you’re missing.

While porn has never been known for its cliff hangers, riveting dialogue, high-end production values or original plot lines, it’s starting to get quite a good reputation for its mathematical problem solving.

Blackboards in Porn is a website that’s encouraging people to watch pornography with a whole new purpose. That is, not for the sex.

Somewhere along the way the creator of the site became the first man in the history of the world to become bored with pornography. And so he started to pay attention to what was going on in the background in various scenes instead. He now searches out pornographic movies set in classrooms, universities and scientific laboratories, then he pauses on any scene that contains a blackboard and zooms in as close as possible to see what’s been written on it.

He then evaluates, judges and grades what’s been written on the blackboard based on subject, accuracy, levels of difficulty and attention to detail. Essentially he’s getting people to watch pornography for the maths. Which is a little like buying a Playboy magazine for the articles, getting a mango for the pip, or going to watch a movie for the trailers.

The scene is a familiar one, a hot ‘teacher’ wearing librarian glasses and a short, tight skirt begins to berate her only ‘student’. But just before the boom chicka-wa-wa music kicks in and the teacher no doubt drops her pen and then shakes her hair out of its tight bun as she bends over to pick it up, our host pauses the tape and transcribes the mathematical problem and solution sketched on the blackboard behind the teacher:

2x + 3 = g

x = 12

According to Blackboards in Porn, it’s simple algebra. Another observation our pornomatician makes is that the teacher’s handwriting is very large, and so he worries that she might have to get a bigger blackboard when they move onto quadratic equations. Because these are the things we should be worrying about while watching pornography.

He also goes on to analyse the problem and conclude that it’s been solved incorrectly. And he kindly provides the correct solution as follows:

‘2x + 3 = 9

Subtract 3 from both sides: 2x = 6

Then divide both sides by 2: x = 3.’

Thanks guy, but x = 3 isn’t quite the happy ending I had in mind. Let’s be honest, it’s no money shot.

In another example on the site, a rather skanky-looking teacher is giving a confused-looking student extra lessons after school. Behind them on the blackboard is the sum 1+1 = 2. In this case our pornonerd is concerned that the pretty student who is well into her twenties seems unable to grasp the most simple of mathematical concepts. That teacher really does have his work cut out for him, all the extra-maths lessons in the world aren’t going to help this girl. Perhaps it’s best if she sticks to stripping and doesn’t give up her night job.

But you’ll be pleased to hear that not all pornographers are bad at maths. One movie scene he’s commented on contained not one, but two blackboards. Both filled with what appears to be rather complex undergraduate-level chemistry.

I picture the fluffer, lighting cameraman, lead actress and director all huddled thoughtfully around the blackboard before the shoot, scratching their heads and painstakingly trying to figure out the chemical formula for orthosilicic acid.

I’m glad that’s what they’re studying; chemistry between actors is the one thing that’s usually lacking in pornographic films.

Besides algebra and basic mathematics, the Blackboards in Porn website has also explored Pythagoras, the trigonometry of compound angles, and even the geography of Imperial Russia. However our resident pornogeek was quick to point out that in the map drawn on the porno blackboard in the movie in question, St Petersburg is way too far south and Vladivostok too far north.

I’d like to suggest we give this committed student of porn nine out of ten for effort. Hey any guy who gets more turned on by geometry than boobs deserves an A.