Are Canadians boring?

LET’S GET FREAKY – By Paige Nick

Ever wonder if you’re the only person who secretly fantasises about dressing up in tinsel and having sex with a cucumber? Or wrapping your penis in Glad Wrap and wearing a Velcro speedo? You probably are, but that doesn’t mean you’re the only deviant in the world. Researchers from the University of Montreal, have undertaken a study to determine how common various sexual fantasies are.

Much like a BA in English, I’m not sure what function this research will have when it’s done. Of course it’s fun to see where you sit on the kinky scale, but surely we’d benefit more from research on Ebola or how to reverse that thing where hipsters stretch out their earlobes? (They’re going to wish we had an easy solution when they’re 75).

My guess is there’s a guy quite high up at the University who wanted to find out how creepy his weird sexual fantasies are on a scale of one to Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, and he was too shy to ask his mates. So he commissioned this study instead. It’s the scientists equivalent of ‘asking for a friend’.

There are the more obvious fantasies of course. Is there a man alive who doesn’t want to have sex with two women at the same time? And what woman doesn’t want to have sex in a romantic location?

But where do your fantasies lie on the spectrum? To get to the bottom of this (which is another relatively popular fantasy), the researchers asked 1500 Canadian men and women to rank fifty-five sexual fantasies and then describe their own favourite sexual fantasy in detail. Then they rated each fantasy as typical, common, unusual or rare, to try figure out what constitutes an atypical fantasy. Atypical being a polite word for freakish.

The results show that human beings are the biggest flipping liars ever. Most women said they’re more likely to imagine their significant other while fantasising. Really? I find that hard to believe, whatever happened to daydreaming about Ricardo the Tennis pro or an ab-filled Christian Grey? The problem with this research is that no woman is stupid enough to admit in writing that when she closes her eyes in the bathtub, she’s thinking about anyone other than her man.

The research also shows that 30 – 60% of women have fantasies involving submission, but (and chaps this is the important bit) most women never actually want their fantasies to come true. I can’t blame them; nobody wants a male stripper leaving body oil and steroid needles all over the sofa.

In contrast, the majority of men do want their fantasies to come true. Maybe because men’s fantasies are so much more viable than women’s; men dream about having sex with the woman running next to them on the treadmill. While women generally let their imagination run wild with a man who leaves the toilet seat down, and also has a ten-inch, programmable cock.

In the survey, women’s most common sexual fantasy was reported as, ‘I like to feel romantic emotions during a sexual relationship.’ Really? Bollocks! Everyone knows the average women’s most common fantasy includes a bottle of Pino Gregio, a quickie with a happy ending, then maybe an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and a facemask, followed by nine uninterrupted hours of sleep.

The most common sexual fantasy among men was reported as… wait for it… ‘I like to feel romantic emotions during a sexual relationship.’ What kinds of men are these? Certainly not like any I’ve ever shagged. The men’s second most common fantasy was reported as ‘taking part in oral sex’. I think by ‘taking part’ they must mean the lying back and enjoying it part.

Big breasts also rank high for men, while watersports aren’t as popular. Although the stats do show that men would rather be urinated on, than do the urinating. Good to know.

I hope the deepest darkest fantasies, that they were asked to write down in graphic detail, are more interesting than these lame statistics. The Canadians seem a boring, dishonest bunch. Where are all the crotchless chaps, gimp masks and nipple clamps? I think we’d have much more ‘atypical’ results if we asked South Africans.