A woody for a woody

Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times column, happy monday, world-saving wankers.

 

A WOODY FOR A WOODY – By Paige Nick

I’ve mentioned Pornhub here before, but just in case you were off polishing your banister at the time and missed it, Pornhub is the biggest free pornographic video website on the internet.

What’s great about them, besides the fact that they’re the biggest free pornographic video website on the internet, is that they host both professional and amateur pornography on their site. Granted there isn’t an awful lot of difference between the two, but still you have to respect their sense of democracy.

You also have to respect their chutzpah. Which is Yiddish for the size of their balls. This Arbor Day (which falls in April in the USA) they pledged to plant one tree for every hundred videos viewed in their Big Dick Category. Essentially, the more porn the world watches, the more trees they’ll plant.

If the statistics of how many people watch blue movies on the internet are anything to go by, we can all fully expect to wake up in a couple of weeks and find the whole world is just one big forest. Clearly Pornhub want to bring back the bush. They’re expecting to raise (ahem) over 15 473 trees, which equates to somewhere in the region of two million video views and an awful lot of wood.

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I think it’s cool that when you splurge they’ll splurge. It’s also a great way to alleviate wanker’s guilt, so now when you’re watching porn you’re not just going blind or growing hairy palms, you’re actually saving the planet. Sadly their promotion ended at midnight on 2 May, so if your wife catches you rummaging around in your trousers while watching Sugar Tits ride Hunxtable then you’re on your own. Which is a shame since it would have made for a great excuse. Sorry babe, but deforestation has been devastating for all of us, I was doing it for charity.

My only question about their campaign is whether viewers needed to watch the entire video from start to finish in order to qualify for a tree? Because I’m not sure people watch all the way to the end of these kinds of flicks. I was always under the impression they just watched as long as they needed. And some kettles take quicker to boil then others, if you know what I mean.

Also, while I think their efforts should absolutely be high fived (once you’ve washed your hands), another of my concerns is whether all the tissues used to clean up all that splurging won’t undermine Pornhub’s work a bit, after all, how many trees had to die to make all those tissues? What if instead of making a real difference, they’ve just been balancing out their own carbon footprint?

This isn’t the first time Pornhub has used their sex for good. In October 2012 they launched a ‘Save the Boobs!’ campaign to coincide with USA Breast Cancer Awareness month. For every thirty big or small breast videos viewed, they donated a cent to breast cancer research. In the end they gave away over seventy five thousand dollars. That’s no booby prize!

I wonder what campaign they’ll embark on next? It’s a shame they just missed Mother’s Day. For every MILF video people watched, they could have donated money to orphanages or to discovering more effective wrinkle creams.

If you don’t know what a MILF is, you might be lost. You probably took a wrong turn when you were travelling from the main body of this newspaper to the travel section and landed at this column by mistake. For your own good don’t ask any more questions, just turn the page and let’s pretend this never happened.

So there you have it, wood for a wood. Who would have thought when the papers reported that a bunch of wankers were helping save the planet, they wouldn’t be referring to politicians?

 

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