so as you know i frequent a local online dating website.
i chat, i flirt, i date, i avoid psychos. you know, the usual.
so today i thought i’d introduce you to five of the people i will not be dating this week.
1. meet ‘carve’:
now i believe i will not be dating this man because, let’s see, how can i put this delicately, after all, i don’t want to hurt his feelings. i think i will not be dating this man because his name is Carve! and on a first date i would much rather NOT have my extremities sliced off with a large carving knife and then placed in zip lock bags in this man’s freezer, making him carve_7, and me the 7th girl he’s carved. that’s why.
ladies if you date him and he cuts you, it’s kind of your own fault.
2. next i will not be dating this chap:
do you really need me to spell out why i won’t be dating him? you do? okay, let’s see. he’s 44 and he can’t spell fucken’ or horny. also i’m not sure why but i have a funny feeling this guy is only looking for sex. nothing specific made me think that. let’s just call it female intuition.
3. On wednesday i will not be meeting this man for a cup of margaritas:
for one simple reason. if angelina jolie found out i was dating her husband, only blacker, she would kick my ass! that’s why.
4. ah kinkyjeff. no sorry, i just don’t think we’re meant for each other.
of couse there’s the small detail of your wife, kinkyjeff. i’m not sure how she would feel about having me rock up on the scene as your new soulmate.
but you know what i do love about you jeff? i love that you’re honest. not many men out there would admit that they’re ‘short, very ordinary looking and very hairy’. good on you. I really hope you find the kinky bi bondage fun fun kiff crazy girl you’re looking for.
5. and last but not least. Donald, donald, donald…
donald needs a baby folks. he said it right there in his profile. and he needs it in a hurry.
and here i quote donald: ‘the faster i get one the earlier i can be able to make a baby as i need it urgently, like yesterday.’
donald, dude! i’m so confused. it’s a baby, not a ham and cheese sandwich. it takes nine months to make, not urgently, like yesterday.
there’s only one thing worse than a chop. and that’s a desperate chop.
so no donald, i am sorry, but i will not be having your baby for you urgently, like yesterday.
and that, folks, rounds up what is sure to be a pretty depressing non-dating week ahead.
if the wynberg slasher calls, tell him i’m not booked monday through friday, and i might also be able to squeeze him in on saturday.